No, You are Not Non-Binary
You are a woman and that matters.
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Trigger Warning: meanie-face TERF being mean and unnecessary curses, as always.
Contents:
Introduction and Inspiration
Technically Speaking…
No One Gets to Opt-Out
Reinforcing Sexism for Those Who Don’t Jump Ship
You Cannot “Not Feel Like a Woman”
You're Sending the Wrong Message to Little Girls
It Makes it Easy to Avoid Feminism
It is Obnoxious
Introduction and Inspiration
If I had been born in 2004 instead of 1984, I'd likely have decided that I was non-binary while in school.
Like many women who now generally present in a manner congruent with the expectations of their “gender”, I was a tomboy when younger. I openly rejected what I considered feminine in an attempt to distance myself from girlhood. I lived in baggy tee shirts and jeans fraying at the bottoms. I wore my uncut, straight hair down and avoided makeup. Imagine a hippie living in the era of grunge rather than the Summer of Love - that was me.
Until about a year ago, I always said that I “feel like a person rather than a woman”, and I'm willing to bet that sentiment is shared with many women claiming non-binary identities. What I didn't understand then was that there is no way to “feel like a woman”.
It wasn't until my ex declared he was now “she” in my mid-thirties that I recognized the presence and power of my womanhood. Through the pain of my experience, I realized there was something there that needed to be recognized and protected. My life has been profoundly shaped by my sex in a way that he could never begin to understand and I was not going to pretend to share the same sex category as him.
I considered giving up my pronouns and going by (but not insisting upon) “they” as a pronoun. Thankfully, at some point I began to feel ready to fight for not only myself, but other women. I then decided that I’m not going anywhere. I am a woman and these men are not. They already have their own word.
I promise I will never let someone discourage me from recognizing my womanhood again, both for my sake and that of all other women.
Technically Speaking…
A label of “non-binary” as a gender identity is effectively meaningless. Hear me out:
There are two frequently confused realms in which we need to check the impact and validity of a “non-binary” identity: sex and gender.
Sex is a binary with only two choices: male and female. While a small percentage of people born with disorders of sexual development (DSDs) may have physical features from two different sexes, they are genetically one sex or the other, not both. (Yes, even if you don't believe me.)
We all know that there is no third option because no one is born sexless.
Setting the issue of sex aside for a moment, let's address the meaning of “non-binary” when it comes to gender identity. According to those who participate in queer theory, gender is most definitely one-hundred million percent not a binary. Rather, it exists along a spectrum with practically infinite combinations of “man traits” and “woman traits” and therefore, an infinite number of gender expressions. (So progressive.)
The trouble is that you cannot be “non-binary” when there is no binary from which to abstain. While technically a truthful statement, it is a meaningless descriptor. You may as well declare yourself a non-binary, non-prismatic, non-magnetic human.1
We simply cannot apply this identity label to gender due to its very nature.
You know what's kind of funny, though? You can't be non-binary where there is a binary, either. If it is tricky to wrap your head around this idea when we are dealing with sex and gender, we can switch analogies to one that most people have no trouble conceiving of: life and death.
You cannot be “non-binary” when it comes to your vitality because your state of being is always going to be one of the two binary options, whether that means you're alive and kicking or taking a dirt nap.
You either exist as a living being or you do not. There is no space between these two options, unless you are a zombie or a spirit with unfinished business. Okay, I guess zombies are non-binary. And definitely Schrodinger's cat. (But not you.)
I'm curious about something:
Let's say we categorized all human traits by gender as either belonging to women, men, or both/neither. Instead of trying to make a list of infinite examples, let's pare it way down with some classic stereotypes:
Man Traits: strong, has short hair, likes sports
Woman Traits: nurturing, wears cosmetics, enjoys shopping
Surely someone does not need to possess solely “woman traits” to be a woman. Even with just six data points rather than an infinite number, I can illustrate the absurdity of using sexist stereotypes to determine one's gender.
Let us say that I am a female who loves shopping and wearing lipstick but also sports. If I have only three traits, am I a woman? Does my love for sports make me non-binary? Do two woman traits outweigh my one man trait?
Perhaps traits are weighted differently. If enjoying sports is worth 5 man points and love of shopping plus wearing cosmetics only awards 4 woman points, am I then a man?
The template for the stereotypical woman or man is someone who does not exist. We are all a combination of so-called man, woman, and “neuter” traits. Because no one possesses all of the traits commonly associated with one sex or the other, every person on this planet is non-binary in terms of gender identity.
But at the same time not. Somehow.
This is so fun.
No One Gets to Opt Out - Moral Objection
Before we delve into the most uncomfortable truths, I would like to address a matter of less practical consequence and more moral consideration: the very option to “opt out” of womanhood is a matter of privilege not afforded to most women living on this ever-rotating sphere at the moment, and most certainly not in the past.
This might sound like “old people think”2, especially to younger readers, but I believe you owe it to women to stick with us. Our collective burden is heavy, and frankly, you should help us shoulder a single serving of that weight if possible. The very least you can do is not abandon us.
You benefit in myriad ways from the blood, sweat, tears, and lives of women who have come before you. The rights you enjoy are extended to you based on your sex. They are women's rights fought for and won by women on behalf of other women.
You can't just benefit from all that and then leave the sisterhood to adopt a non-binary identity because you don't live up to unhelpful and sexist stereotypes about women or outright reject your sex.
“I don't owe you anything” has become the defiant cry of folks with weak internal boundaries and an astonishing lack of gratitude in our individualistic culture. Thinking about it, it is a strangely capitalist way of thinking about human relationships commonly associated with the politically liberal, who generally aren't super into the “strangely capitalist”.
And, no. You don't owe me anything, but it would be super cool of you to care about those who came before and those who yet need the rights and protections I'm working to reestablish, if you just happen to have a spare fuck to give.
Reinforcing Sexism for Those Who Don't Jump Ship
A shift from “she” to “they” is not a neutral act. In fact, your identity comes at the expense of the women you left behind by forcing them to live under reinforced forms of the very stereotypes you have fled.
The moment you say, “I'm not one of them because I am not X, Y, and Z”, you're reinforcing the idea that X, Y, and Z are characteristics of “them”. Instead of making progress towards reducing sexism and misogynistic stereotyping, a non-binary identity says, “Women are sensitive. They wear lipstick. They love creepy-ass “romance” novels”, or any other one of thousands of choices of stereotypical gendered assumptions that you do not “participate in.”
A non-binary identity is a symptom of our hyper-individualistic culture and societal push toward transhumanism that treats biological and cultural limitations of humans as something to be conquered.
To “opt-out” of womanhood is to say, “I don't want to live under these gendered expectations or allow my sex to impact how the world perceives and responds to me. I'm not interested in trying to dismantle the misogynistic structures limiting all women. I don't have any desire to change how all women are perceived and treated. Just me.
It's bad enough to not give a single fuck about your fellow woman. It is another thing entirely to not give a single fuck and then reject the category of woman altogether.
Peace out and good luck, bitches!
You Cannot “Not Feel Like a Woman”
If we do not determine our non-binary status by examining and tallying our gendered traits, should we determine its existence by whether or not we “feel like a woman”?
What does it mean to “feel like a woman”?
No, really. What is that sensation like? Do you feel your uterus swimming around inside of you? Do you want to be Barbie? Do you just absolutely love the fuck out of pink, sparkly objects and sticky lip gloss?
Being a woman is not a matter of feeling, but rather, a matter of biology. Trans folks and their allies have convinced far too many women that the definition of “adult human female” reduces women to their bodies in such a way that it must be avoided.
Please give me another example of such an issue with linguistic categories. Are men reduced to their penises when defined correctly? Are children reduced to their young ages when we define them as “juvenile humans”?
Why is it that the definition of woman requires an impossibly specific definition to be considered a category? (Psst. It's because they want to keep appropriating our sex without internal guilt or external social pressure to change their behavior.)
You’re Sending Little Girls the Wrong Message
When I reflect upon how my much of my life has been marked by shame over my sex as opposed to not, I feel a small but bitter sort of grief and sympathy for my younger self.
Like many other young girls, I was insecure about being female for much of my childhood and then adolescence. It was shameful to be a girl in many ways and society didn't have a problem reminding you of that.
I remember my sister and I once convincing our father to play hopscotch with us in front of our home at perhaps age six when the neighbor pulled up in his custom painted monster truck with son in tow, openly mocking my dad. “I bet you wish you had sons instead of daughters,” he chuckled as his stupid mullet-sporting offspring laughed at us.
That's just one isolated example of the type of humiliation that can be internalized and accumulate over the course of one's childhood. Often, it is much more subtle but it all works in the same manner. At some point you absorb the shame, likely unknowingly.
What do girls learn when they live in a world that not only mocks their existence, but also drives their peers away from “being a girl” at all?
It Makes It Easy to Ignore Feminism
As I've mentioned above, it wasn't long ago that I was a trans ally who was in full support of “queer” identities elbowing in on the LGB community.
It wasn't until I decided to not abandon my fellow woman by refusing to give up my correct pronouns that my feminist journey truly began, about one year ago. This is why I'm only a baby level feminist with so much yet to learn.
Lately I've been spending time trying to figure out exactly what it would take to convince a young liberal woman in the Western world of the gravity of this situation. The best answer I have thus far is feminism.
When you opt for a non-binary identity, you are more likely to feel comfortable ignoring feminism as you may feel protected by how you identify. The thing is, feminism isn't just for you. Half the population is still oppressed in such a way that makes not engaging in the discussion surrounding women's rights morally questionable.
It's Obnoxious
And anyone “non-binary” who demands the use of pronouns aside from they/them can get lost. I find it to be too self-important for my taste. If I need to do research before I can have a basic conversation with you, we're just not going to have the interaction.
Jean Twenge’s cross-temporal meta-analyses of the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI) found that in the 1950s among US college students questioned, 12% agreed with the following statement:
I am an important person.
By 1989, the figure had risen to 80%.
I get the impression that the number has increased significantly since the eighties and I'm not alone in that.
The world does not revolve around you and your personal identity. We are not NPCs here to validate and affirm your choices. Rather, we are real human beings who exist as distinct individuals and don't want to call you “xir” or whatever because it's weird, embarrassing, and self-important in a cringeworthy way.
Please just stop. Please.
Until next time, stay guilty of thought crimes!
MadFem XX
Fun fact: I am both prismatic and magnetic.
The fact that we live in a culture that very often assumes young folks know more (and better) than older folks is worth a moment of consideration.
I love your writing and philosophical musings - probably because they mirror my own thoughts. Just more eloquently and amusingly expressed.
Schrondinger's cat is both alive and dead at the same time, so it's wrong to call it non-binary, it is binary, just both states at once. Well at least until you observe it and it collapses into the dear or alive state.
Somebody should make an online test rating how male or female you are based on your interests? I wonder how I'd rate, I ride a motorcycle, but I listen to Mitski and play Sims.