Innate and Sacred

Otherwise known as The Secret of Legitimacy

The narrative of transgenderism being some sort of innate biological imperative to express a particular gender (a social construct, remember?) is dangerous for a number of reasons. The ideology of transgenderism is largely supported by this assertion that there is something within these people that should not, and in fact, must not be denied if they are to live a fulfilling life. To do so is an act of violence against their nature that might lead them to end their lives.

While I believe that gender dysphoria truly is something people struggle with, I suspect that the many, if not the majority, of people engaging in this form of expression aren’t actually suffering from gender dysphoria, at least not in a way that requires them to appropriate womanhood. There is nothing resembling scientific proof to provide legitimacy to the claim that all, or even most transgender identified folks have gender dysphoria that won’t resolve with time and age, or proper psychological treatment. I think many of these men do think they are women, but they are very much flattening the experience of womanhood to do so. A history of oppression and violence is reduced to visual stereotypes. Womanhood is long hair and painted fingernails, not being a whole person whose life is marked by sex and gender identity. It’s a way to be, not an identity holding meaning and worthy of respect.

I believe that this narrative of “transgender innateness” hurts members of the transgender identified community for many reasons, one of which is the pressure it puts on them to move forward with a transition in order to align themselves with their “true selves”. It can also make the decision to detransition or reverse the process feel like a betrayal to oneself and the community as a whole (or maybe you weren’t really trans all along). It might make that important life decision impossible for someone to move forward with. It is a dangerous lie that ruins lives, but it is also the buttress that holds up the “legitimacy” of transgenderism.

Not only does this narrative actively harm transgender identified people, but it does great harm to those around them. It tells parents that they never really knew their children after all. It tells partners and ex-partners that something was hidden from them this whole time. It tells people dangerous lies about reality that make them question whether you can ever truly know someone at all. It sows seeds of betrayal and mistrust. In addition to all that, it shows women that men are entitled to womanhood not through lived experience, but by having a feeling or sense that is just as legitimate as lived womanhood.

This ideology creates hurt in myriad flavors, depending who is on the receiving end of its juggernaut-ery. I would like to tell you a bit about how it has impacted me personally, and more specifically, how this idea of “innateness” has harmed my perception of reality and my ability to honor and respect womanhood.

Two of my ex-partners transitioned MtF.
The first time it made sense to me based on their androgynous nature even though the actual decision to transition came on the heels of their first manic episode resulting in psychosis. They told me about their decision to transition while still in the psychiatric hospital, when they were very much “not themselves.” It unnerved me a bit but I respected and embraced this change.

It still made me wonder a bit, for a moment, about the origin of this imperative to transition. I decided that it was the event itself that probably convinced them it was time. Major life events, especially difficult ones, have a way of narrowing our field of vision. They help us see truths hiding in plain sight. Maybe that’s just the case here.

I thought it would be nearly impossible for someone whose life was now ruled by a mental illness marked by psychosis to get the hormones needed to grow much desired breasts and change their psychological state permanently, but it must not have been too difficult. They were supplied with pharmaceuticals to lend their claim to womanhood legitimacy with relative ease, even nearly ten years ago (and a B cup last I heard!).

My ex partner of over a decade, however, never showed me any signs of wanting to transition in 12 years. While I’m sure my reading audience is expecting me to convince them of this fact, I know that for those clinging to this narrative, no amount of evidence will ever suffice.
I’m going to spare myself the pain and effort. I am done explaining myself.

Without continuing any farther, I have already illustrated one of the major problems with this lie about an “innate” womanhood. Most people I try to speak with about this have swallowed the narrative of an innate imperative to express gender. And in order for me to convince them otherwise, it would require a well-researched dissertation on my part to get them to even consider my point. Their incapability to question this narrative disarms me before I can even begin to tell someone about my experience.

It has taken me four years to push past this narrative of “innate womanhood” to some semblance of truth. Four years to push past the fear, guilt, and shame that has lodged itself in the recesses of my mind by society. It has taken me over 1500 days to allow myself to truly question the legitimacy of this person’s claim to womanhood. It’s been 2,119,680 minutes until I was first able to declare, with confidence, that this person was not some sort of woman trapped in a man’s body from birth.

When I first started seeing my therapist two years ago, I was still struggling a great deal with healing from and resolving problems resulting from my relationship with my ex. We had been together probably 12 years, and it was a relationship that was always marked by control and abuse in some way, but by the end was unbearable to the point where I had no choice but to leave. I suffered financial, emotional, and sexual abuse at the hands of this person for years and I loved them all the while.

An unfortunate element that makes this strange situation more complicated is that the result of the emotional abuse is that I have been stripped of my ability to trust my own perception of reality and my own perception of the morality of my own actions. Thankfully, I’ve gotten most of that back now, but it has taken me six years of dedicated effort. It’s amazing what real gaslighting can do to a person. After the breakup, I already felt completely insane and so unmoored from reality. This felt like the last shred of my sanity being ripped away from me.

As a note, I’ve also developed C-PTSD as a result of the relationship. I’m still not home-free and I may never be completely.

I tell you this to help you understand that when I told my therapist this week, after seeing her for two years, that, in fact, this person is not a woman, never was a woman, and there was nothing special inside of them all along to make them a woman, it was a huge step for me.

After six years, I was finally able to reclaim this portion of reality. I was able to take it back from the person who stole it from me, from the person who stole my ability to perceive and trust my own sense of reality.

Making that declaration out loud was something I have needed since 2021. And for a brief moment, I was extremely proud of myself. I felt an exhilarating sense of freedom and confidence.

I generally really like my therapist. We get along well. She’s intelligent, thoughtful, and patient. She puts up with my quirks and even seems to enjoy some of them. She sees the true empathy within my heart, which means a great deal to me. When it comes to this specific topic, however, she is putting her discomfort ahead of my healing and reclamation of my identity.

I have been told by many uncomfortable people that this “true self” was within my ex all along. It’s just that they didn’t feel like they could tell me.
I don’t think people understand what saying something like this means to someone like me. You may as well say to me,

“I know you spent all of your free time with this person, and hours upon hours sharing every part of your mind over the course of twelve years, but you never really knew this person. Not truly. I know better than you do about this person I have never met.”

My ex was not afraid to tell me this. I have heard much darker secrets, much deeper shames. I was always very supportive of non-gender conforming men in particular.

I could go on, but that’s not why I’m here. I’m not required to convince you.

My therapist repeated this familiar pattern by insisting that this thing was inside of my ex somewhere long before they decided to transition. It was the breakup and subsequent pain that brought it out, but it was already there. When I suggested that the trauma of the breakup may have caused this great shift in personality (which involved far more than deciding to be a woman), I was told with confidence that only a “capital T trauma” like being in a life-threatening situation could break someone so much that they transition.

But how does she know that?

If you admit that some trans identified men aren’t “really trans”, then people fear everything holding the fabric of transgenderism will unravel. What does “really trans” even mean? How long do you have to have known this about yourself? How do you know for sure? How can you tell the difference between something lying dormant having been awakened by tragedy and the emergence of this new identity as a result of the trauma?

There are so many unknowns in a situation like this, and yet people pushing this agenda speak with an authority that just cannot be undermined. They know for certain that no one would ever transition without “truly being trans” and that children know themselves on a supernatural level. They know that social pressure plays no role in someone’s decision to transition and that offering the option to be a girl or a boy to every child in and of itself won’t encourage some children to try being on “the other side”. They know that this desire isn’t just a desire but a vital need for each and every one of these people.

The truth is, quite frankly, that you don’t know shit. No one does.

Let me be clearer: YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT.

Both the political left and right skew and manipulate reality to push their agenda. Erring on the side of liberalism will not absolve you because this isn’t about acceptance versus bigotry. While oversimplifying the argument makes for an easy answer and the ability to look at yourself in the mirror, it is very dangerous.

The truth is that this seemingly unstoppable force needs to maintain an air of uncertainty for it to continue to hold legitimacy. Once you actually perform the studies with the numbers you need, and honestly report on data without political bias, people will see that this isn’t quite as simple as they would like for it to be.

Uncertainty is uncomfortable and confusing, but it’s the only real way to be honest. If honesty is a threat to your ideology, you may have a problem.